I never imagined myself ever giving in to the temptation, the temptation of allowing you this far into my mindset, my world. Nothing is ever as it seems and certainly never the way it should be. I know now that I’m not a ‘lucky’ person. The only time I got lucky was on my way into this world. And it seems as though I used up all of my nine lives that day to get through birth alive. And ever since, the luck barrel has run dry and has rolled me into oblivion. I’m not bitter though. I’m happy to be alive. To be honest I don’t even know if that’s the truth. But it feels good when I tell myself that so I can continue. And honest is all I will be, with you. I never envisaged myself doing this. My thoughts until now have sometimes been too crude to speak of, too barbaric to write, too controversial for your understanding. Then again, I tell myself that too; because it feels good, remember?
If starting a new chapter means that your fortunes change for the better then give me a new book. Because I’ve skipped chapters upon chapters and my fortunes haven’t changed, at least not for the better. So I’ve been here many times before, in my mind. I’ve been here before but only in my world. I’ve considered you for too long. For far too long I’ve been conscience of what reactions may fly my way if I ever revealed the true complexity of my thoughts. And yet here I am. Something inside me wants you to hear me. Something inside me couldn’t give a fuck what you think. So with all due respect, please feel free to fuck off at any moment you wish. You do, after all, possess that luxury. I full heartedly accept that I cannot be so lucky. I cannot escape my own thoughts. So if you do choose to stay, by all means. But do not be surprised if hypocrisy is a reoccurring theme in my words. I am aware of some of my major flaws, although that doesn’t mean I understand them.
I am the second child of four, three boys and lastly a girl. I haven’t spoken to my elder brother in two and a half years. I do not communicate two words to my younger brother and do not breathe the same air as him for any more than 30 seconds at a time, even though we live under the same roof. And I have not attempted even once to contact my younger sister ever since she moved abroad. What the fuck is wrong with me? I wish to God I knew. I would love to explain. But I cannot explain my actions to myself. How can I possibly explain them to you?
Be patient with me, because I have no patience for you. Listen to me. That’s all I ask. Perhaps this will make sense to you...perhaps. Criticize me, because I haven’t the time to criticize you. I’m too busy criticizing myself. But a boast or two is never far away. I ooze with confidence on some days. It pours out from me like molten lava and melts all who stand in my way. I promise you one thing, you will not regret one moment of it, not one. Welcome to my world, welcome.
