I have been studying monologues at school for a part of my English GCSE and it has involved writing a monologue of my own which I can submitt as as a coursework peice if I chose to. I've just finished writing it and I have to take it into school tomorrow so I would really appreciate any thoughts. I'm quite proud of it at the moment but I'm worried that it's actually a badly written load of crap. So.. yeah, any thoughts would be great.
Scene opens to a middle-aged woman standing on the edge of a tower block wearing a posh red dress and no shoes, her toes are sticking over the edge
Thereís something so clichťd about killing yourself on Valentineís Day.
Oh well, too late now.
Leans forward as if to jump and then leans back at the very last minute
I wish Iíd thought of that earlier. It seems ridiculous that I hadnít really, since itís not like this was some spur of the moment decision. Much careful thought and planning has gone into this moment, the moment that I jump and ultimately, die. Die. The word still sends little shocks of excitement through me. No more hardship, no more loneliness, just ever lasting, blissful, peaceful, perfect quiet.
The quiet. Thatís what Iíll have to focus on. Donít think about the fall, Meggie, just focus on the quiet.
Fade to black
Itís a shocking thing, realising you want to die. It isnít exactly a conscious thought, but more of a gradually building longing, something it takes you a while to place. Then when you do place itÖ well, itís indescribable.
I remember when I first realised, it was just after a particularly stormy visit from Steve, my ex.
ďLook at yourself,Ē heíd said. ďYouíre a bloody mess. Course I donít want you anywhere near MY kids.Ē HIS kids? MY kids! It wasnít him, legs spread wide in excruciating pain pushing a miniature person screaming into the world was it? I think not. So no, Steve. Theyíre not just your kids, they hate my guts but considering the physical distress I (listen to that Steve, I) went through the bring them into this world theyíre more mine than anybody elseís.
I said that to you once, Steve, Do you remember how you answered? You brought up the booze and the smack and told me I deserved to be alone.
ďYouíll rot in hell for all youíve put them kids through.Ē You snarled at me.
Well youíll regret it now, babe, tomorrow, when theyíre peeling my broken corpse off the pavement. Just you wait, babe. Just you wait.
Shifts around slightly, ever close to the edge. Digs a small bottle of alcohol out of her purse
I think I was always destined for this you know, ever since I was a kid. I had a gran that topped herself I did. Never met her. In fact, she never lived long enough to be any kind of parentage so I sípose Ďgraní isnít really the word for her, is it? My mum always did say I was far too like her. My mum, now, thatís a pause for thought. I wonder what sheíll think tomorrow. What will she be doing when she gets that fateful phone call? Hoovering the carpet? Hanging out the washing? And what will she do afterwards? Will she run next door to get Margaret? Break down crying, alone? Or justÖ carry on. I hope itís the latter. She ruined my life but sheís still my mum and I donít want her to be sad. I want her to hate me, just like I do. Hate makes everything easier. My daughters have shown that. And so have I, the fact I am sitting here now willing myself to take that definitive step, to move forward slightly, into the endless oblivion of a 600 foot fall. That proves what hate can do. Hate makes you brave. And love? Well I was always told that love made you do whatís right. So thatís what Iím doing. I love my daughters and my mum, thatís why Iím here now, about to commit the sin of all sins. Something so terrible that all the small things Iíve done in my life will cease to matter. Iím going to hell, true and simple. And I canít honestly say itís anything less than I deserve.
I hope my daughters know that I love them. Holly, Sarah, I hope you know that Iím doing this for you. Iíve been a terrible mother, I know, but itís okay. Everythingís all right now. Iím going to make it all right. They say a motherís love has the power to break a hole in the surface of the universe. Well this is what my love is doing, now. Iím giving you away to a better life, to your dad. To my mum, who knew sheíd turn out to be the most doting and loving grandparent in the known world? 20 years ago I never wouldíve. Look after her for me, darlings. Make each other strong. And know that Iím doing this because I love you, I wish that my first non selfish act in your lives didnít have to be my last and Iím sorry that I never did anything for you before but just, pleaseÖ know that I love you, and I always will.
Meggie closes her eyes
It has always astounded me how a life can go so wrong, so fast.
ďTo die would be an awfully big adventure.Ē
Thatís from Peter Pan, my Hollyís favourite film.
And now there is nothing left me to do other than to close my eyes, take a deep breath,