I went into her room. I found her, the little 4-year old.there, with her coloring book on her small bed, and lots of coloring pencils and pens thrown around it. She was lost in the coloring book. she was scrabbling in it, coloring the pictures, every part of it; the face, the dress, the lips, the hair and the surroundings in the frame. I called her by her sweet nick name and she looked at me smiling and surprised. she left everything in her hands and opened her arms to give me a big hug. I took her in my arms and i didn't want to take my arms off. this is how i feel everytime i hug her or give her a kiss on the cheek. it feels like i run from the cold, cruel world when i see her. i feel safe in the 4-year old tiny arms. i feel that there is still something pure and not messed up in the world. something that is so true and real that does not exist in this world.
i sat down beside her and i found myself tempted to take a coloring pencil and help her. my purpose at the beginning was just to share with her a nice moment and make her smile. it was the purpose of her own fun. And just when my first coloring pencil touched the page in the coloring book, i felt something. something I've never felt before, or maybe i felt it before along ago but i forgot how it feels now. I kept on coloring and i kept on flying. i felt it was liberating. it just took me somewhere away from where i was. I felt like i have been kept in a room. a glass room. A safe place away from all the anger, the sadness, doubts and fears. I am in, they are out and I'm happy watching them from the inside knowing they cannot touch me. I kept on coloring, she was happy i was with her and we were doing something together, and i was happy just because i was away. I remembered me when i was at her age, my whole problem was to choose the correct color for the correct drawing. That i should not deviate from the drawing line while coloring. That my next challenge would be a bigger coloring book with a bigger coloring pencils set so i can go wilder with the the colors and i can color things the way i want not according to the colors that are only available. There, i was reminiscing, thinking and wishing if that could be my only problem nowadays.
We kept on coloring and competing who was gonna finish before the other. I was going slowly, she was going fast. I did not want to win, i just wanted that moment not to end.
Then suddenly, I felt like i had to leave. Like that is enough. Stop dreaming. Stop being in the glass room coz i have to face it. i'm not gonna spend my whole life in it. i did not know why i wanted to leave, or in other words, why i was pushing myself to leave. Was it the sense of guilt that i was doing something that i am too old for? or that i was very laid back, comfortable and i was not supposed to be in a comfort state?
Believe me, i did not have any other plans or to-do things, i just felt like my mind was telling me "that's enough for you, you gotta get up and leave". I told her i had to leave and she just folded her lower lips and told me "no". I asked her why. and just with a smile that is begging me to stay she said "i want to you to color with me". I kept on coloring for a little longer and then i felt it was too much for me. That i was late for something that i was not aware of.Or again, my mind felt that, that was more than enough for me.
We stopped coloring and we started to collect the thrown coloring pencils around us. I was slowly about it as if i wanted to teach her to count them and to know the different colors. But the truth was that i just didn't want that moment to end. I did not want to leave the coloring book. The coloring book that was for me was like my escape. my shelter.
again, i hugged her and kissed her good night. And i left the coloring book to whom it belongs. to a 4-year old child.
