I decided to change myself. I decided never to lie again and even make a confession about my whole life.
You can think I am weird or crazy, but it is not true. I am just tired of lying, totally tired.
Sure enough I could have kept everything to myself and tell nobody, but since I had made a decision to change, I confided in Janet. I thought I needed to tell everything to somebody so that I wouldn’t think about myself as a liar or a secretive girl.
I experienced an awful shock though, because everything I told characterized me negatively. I wanted to hide at least something, to make things look better, but I didn’t let myself.
Janet listened to me attentively and then looked at me in an odd way. Most likely she thought I lost my mind. Because nobody ever tells such things to anybody and if they do,they don’t tell them so open - heartedly.
How could she know about such strange decisions, when somebody resolves not to pity herself at all.
After the confession I hoped to start a new life. But it didn’t happen so. When I looked into the depths of my soul, I found lots of trash there, primitive things, which I wouldn’t have admitted even to myself. Not speaking about an open confession.
I sat on the sofa in the room with the door locked and the blinds drawn over the windows till six o’clock in the evening. I turned off the light, the computer and both telephones. I was cleaning the attics of my soul.
I was ready to throw away everything, not to leave anything at all there. Just blank walls. Later I planned to sweep the floor and to take away all the trash...For a while I’ll stay empty.
And what do you think? At eleven o’clock at night I was not yet finished. So I made myself a snack and a mug of tea. And crouched on the sofa again. I was ready to devote all the night to that. By the morning I believed I will have a much cleaner space.
The night just flashed by. I was not sure I did what I had planned to do, but in the morning I decided to get off the sofa. After I stood up, I went to the bathroom, shampooed my hair, brushed my teeth and put some cream on my face. Then I put some make-up on my face and newly bought clothes on my body.
After I had made myself a cup of strong coffee, I sadly looked into the absolutely empty coffee box, brought a folder with a manuscript into the kitchen, sighed and sat at the kitchen table.
Outside the sun was shining brightly and the weather was very cold. Summer was coming to an end.
I managed to write a couple of innocent sentences. They were so innocent,that it was too boring to read them. So I crossed them out.
It was about time to start writing a diary. I listened attentively to my inner self. Everything seemed to be at equilibrium. I had no doubts. Anxiety was not spoiling my blood. It meant I really was totally empty.
At around twelve o’clock I decided to go and buy some coffee. On my way to the shop I could not get rid of the thoughts about my folder, paper, pen and telephone lying on the kitchen table. The paper with my hand written words was shamelessly accessible to anyone.
I felt the urge to go back. To pick up everything, to take all things to my room and put them into the drawer. Then close the drawer and turn the little yellow key in the lock. But I restrained myself. The shop was quite close now.
I was dressed in checked polo shirt and jeans. The shirt was brightly yellow,but did not spoil the eyesight. Today all the world was cold and brightly yellow.
The anxiety was building up inside me. I still managed to cope with it.
Till finally I felt I almost could not stand it . Could not take it any more.
I probably made four more steps. I was feeling nauseous. I tried to make one more step, but I couldn’t. So I turned around and almost ran back home. As if I had left the iron turned on. Back home, I flew into the kitchen. It was cosy there. The smell of coffee was in the air. The folder and the pile of empty sheets of paper were quietly lying on the table. The pen was beside the folder and the mobile phone was on the table by the windowsill.
I wanted to grab all things and put them in the drawer. But something inside was telling me that was a crazy idea. I think my new inner emptiness was prompting me that.
So I turned around and went for coffee again.
From that day on I started writing in the kitchen.
A month passed by. I had enough time to forget everything and to think everything over.
And I started missing my old self. The one, who was not empty. The one, who was a secretive and solitary person.
But most of all I missed the one, who hadn’t blurted everything to Janet.
A month, just a month ago I was a completely different woman, the one, who kept all her secrets inside herself. She had a lot of them and all of them were very intimate. I had no idea, that one day all of them would be flying in the air like September cobwebs.
I started trying all possible methods, how to convert Janet into an ordinary train passenger, after confiding in whom, things become easier. And nothing wrong happens.
I started studying magic books.
I even tried to bathe naked in the lake in the middle of the night.
I was trying to pretend it was just a dream. And dreams are easily forgotten.
Yesterday I was buying some cigarettes at the kiosk, when somebody touched my back. I immediately hunched. I strongly believed that nobody could touch my back with good intentions. I was expecting some sort of aggression. Solely aggression could be a motive to touch my back. I stood so for about two minutes and could not make myself to turn around.
The one, who touched my back, was now hammering on it as an experienced drummer. A true virtuoso. I pulled all my strength together and very abruptly turned on my left heel.
It was Janet, smiling broadly. She imagined she was allowed to do anything...
I made a decision in a second- I will pretend. I will act myself, but not a real self. I will act an imaginary self, who lets me do anything. Even more than anything.
I was frantically searching my head for an idea of improvisation. But nothing good came to my mind- so I started slowly to unbutton my shirt. I started with the top one and was slowly going down and down, till I undid all of them.
I saw Janet’s eyes going wide. It felt very cold. I was shivering- though probably not with cold. I could not take my eyes off Janet. I was admiring her dilated pupils and waited till her amazement would turn into something else.
I ordered myself to remain quiet, because Janet caould accidentally hear my heartbeat. Or she can hear me swallowing saliva. Then Janet would immediately unmask me, because she knows me far too well and is familiar with all my secrets.
I also ordered myself to take off the shirt and did it without delay.
I was standing there dressed in jeans only. I had nothing under my shirt, so now I felt terribly cold.
At that moment I was thinking- open-heartedness is just an improvisation. Or patience.
My experience was absolutely indifferent to that thought. It had just recently learned what total open-heartedness was. So my experience acquired some new experience.
The sky was azure from side to side. Not pale azure, but brightly azure. As in Italy.
I had to make a quick decision what to do next.
So I pressed my shirt to my chest and very calmly asked a woman in a kiosk for a packet of cigarettes.
I had been buying cigarettes in that kiosk for an eternity, so I was never asked what brand I wanted. They gave them to me and that was it.
I shoved the change into the right pocket of my jeans, thanked the woman and put my shirt on. Cold bloodedly.
Meanwhile I was putting my shirt on, I put my cigarettes on the neatly laid latest newspapers.
Then I buttoned up all the buttons on the shirt and unzipped the zipper of my jeans, so that I could shove my shirt in.
I took my cigarettes, thanked the woman again and, without looking around, I walked across the street. My house was quite nearby- on the other side.
I was faking calmness, but when I turned round the corner, I stared running as fast as I could.
I flew up the stairs, with lightning speed unlocked the door and rushed inside. I felt my heart in my throat. It was beating right under my chin. I flew into the room and looked through the window from the far end of the room. It seemed that Janet was not longer there. But that was a wrong impression. She was standing by the kiosk window, her body half inside.
Clearly , she was discussing my oddities with the kiosk woman. Damned hens, that’s what I thought.
I wish I did not care. But somehow I could not stay indifferent.
So I came up to my computer and started checking on the e-mail. Sarah was writing that somebody had given her half a sack of half- frozen potatoes. They tasted sweet, but she did not have a heart to throw them away...so she was making potato pancakes, while I did not know what to do...
I went into the kitchen only to see that I had no potatoes. But I had some flour. So I could make some cookies in the shapes of the moon and stars.
I went to the bathroom and neatly washed my hands with soap. Calmness overflowed me. Once again I was weird and mysterious. I did not know how, but all my secrets returned and crept back into me. As if I had never lost them.
My kitchen smelled of coffee and cookies, baking in the oven.
I opened a window. I wanted everybody to feel the smell. I wanted the kiosk woman to feel it, I wanted a couple of stupid pigeons to feel it and even the innocent passersby to feel
the smell ,too.
I was trying not to think about Janet. And I succeeded. I walked around the house smiling.
Now you are watching a happy woman at the beginning of her new life period. That’s what I tell my flowers, growing in a little azure flower pot. They should be replanted, I think.
