Hiya Folks I'm new here
I haven't been blogging long and I've only just found this group.
So by way of introduction I'd like to invite you to read a short story I have written and just posted on my blog.
Here is the link: Click here to read my short story
Also here is a short taster:
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A pale face came in to focus above him. It belonged to a pretty girl in fine clothes. She was obviously not a prisoner.
"Can you sit up?" the girl prompted him.
He was brought back to the moment. Kinnison shivered. The cobblestones beneath him were unyielding, cold and damp. This was the worst of all situations. He had entered Debtor's Prison with enough money to buy food and a cell but now he had nothing but his breeches. His shoes along with his shirt and jacket had been stripped from his unconscious body.
"I can try. Who are you?" He asked the girl.
"I'm Mary. I'm from the Sisters of Mercy refuge. We visit the Prison to tend the convicted. Do you know how long you've lain here?" She asked.
"Well, it was 6 of the evening clock when I entered this hell hole"
Pain seared through his shoulder as he raised himself onto an elbow. The morning sun light pierced his eyes.
"On Monday" He added. "I was attacked within the hour"
"That was yesterday" Mary said supporting his attempt to rise "It's ten of the clock Tuesday morning".
Kinnison managed to gain his feet but he could barely stand. Mary was joined by a colleague and together they tried to manoeuvre him across the yard to a water trough.
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Please feel free to vist I would love to hear the opinions of other writers.
Thanks ... Jimi
MeridianWriting
Hi Jimi,
One of the things we do here at Meridian Writing is offer a critique service of short stories, going from Basic to Detailed.
I haven't gone onto your blog to read the whole thing, but just from a pure first impression ascpect (and assuming that this is the opening) you have managed to get the reader asking questions without laying the exposition trowel on too heavy. Why is Kinnison in the debtor's prison? What drove him to be there? And from that angle it's good.
There are a few small errors, though, in punctuation - you miss the final comma/full-stop at the end of some speech points. This is something which an editor/preview reader will pick up on and may cause them to disregard your work. Also, the '6' should be 'six' (you've put 'ten' later on, which is right). Small elements, but which you need to have right to be taken seriously by some industry people.
You don't need to always have the assigned speech tag either - we should know which of the two characters are talking from what they're saying.
A quick freebie - hope you don't mind and hope that it helps.
Regards,
Andy Goodman